As you continue to grow older, you’re going to have to cut the cord with many people. You will find new groups to join, people will come and go and a handful of people will likely make it with you for 10, 20 or even 30+ years. Every self help guru, see catering to the hopeless, tries to focus entirely on how to expand a network. Instead lets take a look at how to correctly choose a person, foster a healthy relationship and subsequently end it if needed.
Step 1) Do You Deserve to Build a Set of Relationships? This is the first step. Before you even begin looking for long-term mutually beneficial relationships you need to ask yourself the tough question:
“Am I of value?”
Everyone will answer yes to this question, the unfortunate part is that most should be answering no. If you are a man or woman of value you likely have something specific to offer to any relationship you enter into. This can be a business relationship, a friendship or a romantic one. At the end of the day, you need to have a few items you can look at and say “I am good at X which can help benefit anyone”. Until this happens unfortunately the remainder of this post is not for you.
Step 2) Building the Demographic: This is probably the most important second step after you’ve established value in a few areas of interest. Narrow the pool. If you are an amazing musician you’re going to find great friendships within the art/music field. If you’re a gym rat, high end gymnasiums will do more for you than a low quality gym that makes money off of the laziness of others. Adjust your choices accordingly.
Once you’re comfortable with a niche to build your first branch remember the following chain of events for becoming established:
1) Observe the behaviour of the top 20% in the group
2) Establish rapport with a few men/women in the group by showing your expertise
3) Ask for guidance on a specific task that you cannot answer
4) Add value where you can and show results to aforementioned legitimate advice
It really is that simple. You show up and help where you can, you receive advice and execute and then simply continue down this path for as long as possible.
Once you’ve broken into a new group or demographic you should be (at least) in the top 25%. This gives you ample room for growth and you establish yourself as someone who certainly does add value. A positive cycle upward.
Step 3) Choosing the Correct Relationship to Foster: If you meet a high value person in a gym, at work, or even out at a house party, you need to ask yourself the following:
“If this man/woman was a company would I invest in him/her for 10+ years?”
At this point you are narrowing the group of possible connections by 90% or more. Why? Many people simply have one niche and are unable to expand beyond their comfort zones to tackle new topics. These people should be avoided. You can ask a few questions to these men/women and simply move on. Their knowledge base is going to remain constant. This is a cookie cutter way to shift through the candidates.
By the time you’ve gone through this process, a few months should pass. You have established yourself as someone who will contribute valuable information when he can and you have a handful of people you may consider as friends in the future.
Step 4) Maintaining a Relationship: At this point, you’re consistently spending more time with a small set of people. Instead of growing in a single facet, you’re now growing in multiple areas since you chose wisely.
Notice the trick? Anyone who is only strong in one area should be avoided for a relationship. It is an important distinction.
Continue speaking with this person(s) on a weekly basis and eventually you will get to a point where communication on a bi-weekly basis is more than sufficient. Unlike others who simply latch onto their friends like a girl stuck to her iPhone, a long-term relationship is generally soft touch. Why? Both of you are constantly growing, you need to pursue other hobbies and interests.
At this point you should be in maintenance mode:
1) Send an update email/phone call/text and explain something you’ve learned to touch base
2) Alternatively note gains you’ve made and how they were accomplished to see if the person saw overlapping themes
3) Remain respectful of their time and assume you will get a response within a few days
That is the blueprint. It is up to you to execute.
Step 5) Ending a Relationship: Similar to the saying “Leave her better off than when she first met you” you should have the same exit to any positive relationship you’ve cultivated. There is no need to burn a bridge. Environments change rapidly, it is best to adapt rapidly as well. By the same token, you need to remain cognizant of warning signs to move on. Lets jump into them
1) 6 month no results rule: If your contact has not made any positive improvements in his or her life in 6 months you need to leave. The best gauge of this? You will learn something meaningful from them at least 2 times per year. Everyone will hit a rough spot, however something should be learned
2) Complaining and defeatist attitude: As soon as someone exhibits consistent negativity see – Captain Complainer syndrome – You should fade into the background. No one in the history of mankind wins or achieves something magnificent and turns to insulting the growing pains it took to get there. If you don’t believe this please find a championship team, in any sport, complaining after they win
3) Unwillingness to adapt: In business there is a saying “you’re growing or you’re dying”. If you see a trend of stagnation, use the 6 month rule again, its time to hit the escape button. Adapt or die.
You will likely lose out on a few people who make miraculous comebacks from one of the three triggers above, however it is not your job to track the recovery. Simply continue with this and you’ll likely find yourself in the following situation: 5-7 friends you’ve known for 15+ years and every 3-5 years you’ll gain and lose 2-3 friends as well.
This should not be surprising.
The ones who last past year 10 are likely going to remain for the next twenty.
Obtain 5 friends with the guidelines above… and you’re a rich man indeed.
This is a bit cut throat don’t you think? You simply move on after 6 months no matter what?
Feel free to make adjustments if you feel they fit your situation better. Overall 6 months is plenty of time to make gains in at least one area within your life.
This is yet another reason to keep a journal, you’ll quickly realize what groups/people are bringing you down versus dragging you up.
The point on being in the top but not the best in the room is really driven home here.
In my opinion, it is similar to college. The guy who stays for a 6th year or super senior needs to mature and move on. You should treat your relationships as such.
If you have 5+ people who have made it with you for 10+ years, you are certainly a rich man. You chose your friends quite wisely indeed.
You got it right. Rule of thumb:
“Enter a room in the top 25%, exit when you’re in the top 5%”
Great post. Any thoughts on the big buckets of groups you might choose? You mentioned music, business, and gym, but I’m curious if you have any higher level themes that would make sense to make sure you’re not missing anything.
Two biggest are health and wealth.
Relationships come from hobbies and interests. Relationships refer to both friends (male) and dating. Ie: you’ll get along better with people who share similar interests.
Choose your own path, perhaps it is cooking and rock climbing. For someone else it could be dancing, traveling and tennis. Just try something new every month or two and you’ll become a well rounded man.
I thought this was going to be about LTR game? Any game posts coming up soon?
I thought the same.
Reading the title again that is a fair mistake.
Yes we have a few game posts on deck.
How do you guys see these rules applied for relationships with women?
You can use the same guidelines.
Since it is a male/female relationship, she should be supportive. Ie: less and less headaches. If she continues to nag there are problems.
It sounds lame, but you should “click” and make each other better in as many ways as possible.
No I agree with a lot of it.
When I look at my mentors, all educated, all running their own company, all worth a few million all of their friends are hugely successful in all areas. All of them are not perfect but they have good habits, good friends, good family and are not negative. Pragmatism should not be confused with negative as many entrepreneurs are essentially stoic individuals.
You must absolutely raise your friends up and they too much raise you up. Furthermore, get rid of people who complain too much. IDGAF if the girl is hot or the guy is your buddy from age 5. If they are being ultra negative and critical without being helpful bin them. It will be painful but it is something you must absolutely do.
I have had to bin several so called friends over the years because they make excuses about being into a ‘certain race’ and claiming this holds them back. While I do not deny racism exists and it is a real pain especially in the finance industry (whites, jews tend to rule the roost) there are plenty of very very successful minority groups who you can learn a thing or two from and their counsel.
This is the mentality you must have
Problem (improvement screaming at you) – Solution (books, speaking to senior professionals etc) = success
You need to always identify the problem and come up with an answer. IDGAF if there is a 1% of you finding the answer. You must find the answer, it exists. There is always a move. You make the move. I recommend you read everyone on this blog read ‘The Hard Thing About Hard Things’ by Ben Horowitz. Absolute gold for business advice.
Agree.
That is a great book recommendation.
You have to be harsh to continue climbing up the ladder in life, otherwise you’re going to find yourself searching for the easiest path. IE: how to maximize your current state of life. This is always the wrong answer. Make yourself better so you have more to work with. Therefore your current state.. improves… options improve… cycle upward.
They should have the ability to recognize on their own when they are fucking up. There’s knowing you are fucking up and changing it, or not knowing and just plain fucking it up.
Can also narrow it down to hang out with people who are non-conformists. It’s contagious 🙂
Before you even begin looking for long-term mutually beneficial relationships you need to ask yourself the tough question:
“Am I of value?”
Everyone will answer yes to this question, the unfortunate part is that most should be answering no.
Actually, I would be the last person to answer yes to that question. This is not something I am proud of. The thing is, I don’t know how to sell myself. Which is why it irks me when people say so sternly, but also very vaguely, that one needs “to bring value” to a relationship: I’m not exactly sure what value they’re looking for. How can a student/rookie bring value to a mentor? (Is it one of those things where, if you have to ask, you probably will never know?)
Could you provide a concrete example of how one can bring value to a prospective relationship? What can someone fresh out of college do to bring value to a potential relationship with a contact inside a company he wants to work for?
The value brought by someone as young as you is potential. IE: proved potential.
Your goal is to remind the interviewer of himself. The interviewer is likely the following
1) top college
2) highly competitive
3) significant results in his schoolwork/other activities
Therefore your value again is in your potential and maturity.
If a person in his 30s meets a young man in his 20s from a top tier school who doesn’t booze all day and has clear markings of effort (such as college athlete, top musician/artist etc). He is going to be thrilled to help you.